Something new is going on inside that I want to tell you about. I have this kind of slow almost sneaky feeling that my life has never been better. If I read this script ahead of time I would expect to feel unworthy or cautious. But I think what I am feeling is surprise that my interior brain posture or maybe mindset is fine with content and has moved out of longing and dreaming if only. I suddenly think- OK, if my life has never been better, would it be OK if it stayed like this to the end and the answer is yes, simply. It’s odd. Sure there are things I’d like to smooth out or improve but mostly it’s just fine as it is and actually quite good. How odd. Yes, I’ve been working hard to make a life full of what I wanted in the way of work, love, style, tone etc. But how nice to sort of feel that most of the quilt is made. I am wondering about this and sort of surprised by it. Is this the calm before the psychotic break? Now that would seem regular. But this seems more happy or living than I am used to. Odd. Anyway, just wondering about this and will let you know what I notice by and by. I do so wish that you were both in the neighborhood to come to tea and talk this over as my reality check. Do reality checks bounce? I wonder at the sources of this new comfy feeling- is it because my father is probably dieing or the car died and I could replace it or I’m too sleep deprived to worry as much as usual or happy in the life I’ve made or old enough to let a little contentment through or not being in therapy or maybe I’m just getting whiter whites on laundry day.
Last week, Marshall and I went to hear a young Bosnian imam talk about the war in Bosnia and his peacemaking efforts to make bridges between sides. Tonight, we heard one of Marshall colleagues at the School for International Training share what she’s witnessed in Palestine over the last half a year. This presentation included an eyewitness account of the International Solidarity Movements loss of an American shot by Israeli Defense Forces.
As I hear these things and consider what I have seen myself in tortured refugees, the AIDS pandemic, prisons, and rape survivors, I am moved once again to note how trouble brings out the best and the worst in all of us and how these roles change and how our best and worst reach new heights each day around the world.
There are times when I think of our species as a large infection that needs cleansing. Fortunately, this despairing view from the bottom is dispelled as I encounter individuals who are doing holy work in some hell or other and revealing the bright light that people have to share. I’m not sure how people keep on amidst such horror nor how horror seems to be made so available. But I do know that it is a dance that we should be choosing to be in to lessen the pain and confusion so fraught in our world.
I send much love outward on this beautiful summer’s night. Our stars gleaming here on this balmy night. Love, John
PS The outhouse is done. More snakes were caught. And we can once again poop at home. Onward and downward.
So, my car turns in a planter with a mere 210,000 miles on it, but not til I was doing 70 mph on the Massachusetts Turnpike Sunday afternoon. Anybody need a 10 year old car without a transmission? And I am going over used car loan applications and having a decafe when the call of nature insists.
Now the next door college boy is rebuilding the escape hatch to the compost toilet and I don’t want to make a solid contribution during his employment hours but fortunately he’s left to get tools. Sitting on the throne trying to rush my natural timing as it were when suddenly he comes back with a crowbar and is pounding some reluctant hinge on the outside of where I sit.
I am wondering, can it get worse? This is when he suddenly stops pounding, steps back and asks me what color rattlesnakes are here in Vermont. More later. Love J
PS Tales of Pansy Brook Farm is brought to you by Laughing Cosmos Industries, a Reality Company of the Universe Corporation
I’ve just seen 2 films I enjoyed and would like particular population feed back on. What do my lesbian and bi sisters think about “Kissing Jessica Stein?” I thought it was funny and showed some of that middle ground that excessively het or gay stories don’t usually cover.
Also recently saw “Southern Comfort” about trans people in the rural Southeast of the US. I loved the candid stories and particularly that working class people in trailers were the focus. What did my trans brothers and sisters think of this film?
Sorry if these films are old news for some of you. The stagecoach with new videos doesn’t always stop here in Putney.
On another topic. I am wondering if the topic of cursing, cutely referred to as “potty mouth”, might in some cases be a difference in class used to oppress the non-owning classes. In my background of working class Italian-American immigrants there were clearly folks who were stuck in anger, alcohol, and power plays who couldn’t express themselves well or without cursing. But there were also well, though self-educated people who spoke several languages and their cursing was occasional. It was usually a signal that they were very angry and using very plain simple speech which was clearly understood. Or it was a departure from being proper which the “native” New England WASP Yankees insisted on in the power structure and usually funny. Depending on use and discretion, it signaled a gathering or lessening of power. As we Quakers strive to speak clearly and honestly, do we censor ourselves in less than honest ways to fit a cultural model?