So sorry to hear of this pain. I think you express so clearly the pieces that many of us find in our own lives as we move from being the children of our own parents to their caretakers with the special twist that our love is obstructed by their limits and by our dual feeling of care for them and our need for their love for us to be expressed in more healthy ways. This is what should be taught in graduate school because the work is so common.
I have very few ideas on the topic and no wisdom. But here are a few things to consider. Do your grief and anger first at home. Yes, be orderly about this. Line the feelings up and give them turns and don’t be afraid to say, “Not now” when you need to. This is to begin to separate your early needs to receive better stuff from your need to express your love for family in decline. Then, look over the whole scene, sitting down of course (and in my case, with French Fries) and scan for what in this maze of people and feelings and unknowns you might actually be able to help with in some direct way that will feel good. Limit this to giving that is appropriate to you. And then feel your love deeply and, holding that feeling like meeting for worship, go forward to do your loving. Of course all hell will break loose and then you can slowly come back to these reminders that you already know. Watch for the chance to be honest in new ways, maybe inwardly – maybe outward.
I am so sorry that this hurt is yours in such a large way now. How to un-obstruct our love seems to be a full time life long vigil and now particular and specific work is yours to see what is possible. I send much love and have every confidence that your light will shine.
I think something is in the air. In the last few months, I have talked with no fewer than 4 of our tribe who have fallen in love. Now, of course, there are various stages – checking it out, moving in, buying a house together. But there is definitely some sort of tide here of new love, maybe true love, opening hearts of some wonderful people who are quite surprised. Have you ever noticed how falling in love can’t be scheduled and is never convenient? So, watch out. There’s some movement afoot that drastically changes life.