Marshall and I have used husband since before we were married, we met in 86. Yes, you get to use the words you like as culture is changing around this and you get to teach people, like it or lump it. Mostly, I find myself saying this as a normal use of terms and then others get to pretend that it’s normal to them too and by and by it is. Once after a speech, an old Quaker woman came up to me and insisted that I had referred to myself as wife when in truth I had only called Marshall husband- so set are our words. Blessings on your seeking. I know husband and wife have very different histories as words plus cultural baggage. Many women couples I know don’t like wife and seek other words, many of them not quite hitting the mark. I like it when I travel and people say, “Where’s that handsome man of yours?” “Your man” includes the animal gravity of love and simple acknowledgement of bond. Women have a hugely other experience of ownership and property enough to make a feminist out of any numbnuts horn toad. But we make and re-make words when we use them with love, respect, and dignity. You get to choose. When M & I were writing our wedding vows we wanted to say- “In the presence of God and these our Friends, I take thee to be my husband, promising, with Divine assistance, to be loving, faithful, and a delight as long as we both shall live.” The oversight committee freaked over the word Delight, saying that there would be difficult days of conflict in marriage. But we stuck to our words and by and by it became clear that all the marriages/relationships of committee members were not enjoying as much love as Marshall and I share. There maybe no experts in marriage, though George and Elizabeth Watson did a workshop a couple of years ago called How to Stay Married for 65 Years. Hope your seeking goes smoothly.
Just a note to say that our Quarterly meeting is considering a minute that separates marriage responsibilities of legal sanction and spiritual recognition. There is a push here for meetings to attend to the spiritual and not sign state documents. The first marriage in Putney Meeting after M & I were married under the care of the meeting in 89, choose to not legally marry as it was not a choice for all. The meeting then went on to make this consideration part of the clearness process, not a prerequisite but something to consider. Each piece of work done for justice and awareness counts for those coming along next. While there has been much feeling about FGC being in VA this year, let’s remember that many of the places we have gathered were not legally queer friendly. Light must be carried where it’s needed or as Arlo Guthrie says, “You’ve got to have some dark to stick the Light into.”
Thanks, John
PS Home after 5,000 miles. Intermountain Yearly Meeting at Ghost Ranch was a wonderful gathering of people and a good village for me to work in for a week. Seeing old friends along the way was a delight, most especially to have Marshall join me in Santa Fe for a weekend. The drive back was done quickly through 12 states in 3.5 days. I saw one person driving the speed limit but he was on a tractor. Good to be home for 10 days before heading off to FGC. Hope this early summer time is good and smooth for us all. Hay is being cut next door. As the cow died, there will only be enough hay kept for the sheep, some of whom left via coyotes this spring. Fireflies in our field are a wonder of infinite numbers and twinkling. I loved seeing farmland all across the country. It’s my favorite landscape.